A child never forgets the undercurrent of fear they feel when a parent, sibling or guardian is in an intoxicated state.
The uncertainty of “when the other shoe drops”, the violent outbursts, or fits of rage when a person in a place of what should be honor and dignity, falls in the eyes of a child that has not yet been burdened by the complexities of human life.
Outings considered “fun” can take a nasty turn to “out of control” at the drop of a hat; the knowing that too much liquor will fuel a growing tension in the chest of a youngster not yet drinking age, as they watch adults distort themselves into someone crazed.
The child dares not speak, that may provoke violence, for simply telling the truth. The knot in their gut erupts in vomit, seeing elders fighting so, the fear just needs to come out.
The sorry excuse the next day, “I was drunk, I don’t remember”. Maybe, just maybe, in a young child’s heart, you could do better than to give that stinking excuse. The booze ain’t helping that hole in your heart. Why isn’t the human tainted version of love enough?
And so one finds a safe place to hide, with so called lesser beings, in the wild; here the child finds a solace a disintegrated family could not bring.
And interesting to note, the creatures know when our attention is focused and cued and not colored by residues that dull our aptitudes.
If given the choice, the creatures prefer our pure presence, good, bad or indifferent. Their unconditional love rings sweeter when we are fully coherent.
Many years later, some still try to distort the peace, with the false weaning addiction lends to the Soul, but still the animals and children know. It is a place from falsehood the human operates, what follows is usually blows.
How much like a child, many animals suffer, they cannot speak, but still they are the buffer. Silently soaking what addiction causes to suffer.
The human’s sneak into shrouded places, sipping from a jug in a brown paper sack, its well before noon. The animals, like the child, feel the divide, to them you cannot lie. But a human’s narrow vision skews reality; their ego makes too much noise vainly trying to bury the truth.
Their delusion soon gives way, for lies and bullshit always crumble. The truth you see speaks loudest in silence and stillness and this, the animals, like children, always know…
Two years ago, I did a ceremony for myself and broke all the bottles of alcohol in the house, for me it symbolized cutting cords of all the damage it represents. Best gift I have given myself. I was done dumbing myself down to fit in with those closest.
This came on the heels of many loved ones losing life long work, gifts like nurturing soul was never considered important (no matter how many decades the gift was encouraged), a tail-spin into the default addiction-mode followed, along with an expectation that one should commiserate if “relationship” were to continue, time to say no.
I drank “socially” and on “special occasions”. My body was getting less tolerant of many things, food, alcohol and otherwise…time to move on and honor my bodies’ wisdom, I like the perspicuity that comes with no alcohol. I know the difference leaving substance abuse can bring, on a very personal level, via decisions made by those loved dearly and more so, from those that chose not to.
The stable had been sanctuary since childhood, a safe place to escape from the tumult and scariness that was youth. As a child, I knew a run-away horse could not be stopped by force. I have applied the same philosophy to humans. Given enough slack, life consequence weaves an unforgettable experience. I needed to go back to the place of safety and cohesion the barn meant to me. Before those closest, that neglected to culture soul gifts came to pollute with toxicity. This toxicity did not set well with the horses, or me. Those bringing the pollution were not willing to see the connections.
There is no one alcoholic/addict (addictions come in many forms) in a family, the whole family shifts to accommodate the chaos and confusion – it is often easier for the one labeled “alcoholic/addict” to recover, than the others because many of the enabling and co-dependant behaviors are looked upon as being “good people” by society/religion, when in actuality it is all one hugely deceptive game that modern life almost deems necessary for survival – but it is not. Humans need no devil; we create our own hell with hubris, lies and denial. Life deserves better.
Bleary eyed, the twisted stance and walk, the stink… …I have had enough of the blight addiction and its denial to last a lifetime. I don’t need to see, smell or hear of its bullshit anymore. Early on, the creatures have shown me a better way. I now honor that fully (as humanly possible) and feel much less encumbered for it.
The human family has very toxic and violent tendencies towards addiction. Those stuck in the web of addiction being very skilled at pointing the finger at someone else, or covering the stink with compensating behaviors, but living cleverly in denial of what defiles sanctuary.
Seems one often needs to wait on failing physical aptitudes that aging brings, so soul soundness can shine through. In weakness, strength is perfected. I am always left in awe of the wisdom living weaves.
AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) has been key to easing soul burdens caused by addiction. Its emphasis is a spiritual solution. The steps are what energy workers have known and asked for all along, but some closest to us, needed an outside web of accountability and noble sponsorship to make their soul come alive when the dumb down ties to this so subtle and accepted addiction are cut.
In my heart I do believe no one can handle alcohol/addiction. Denial/hubris makes humans think they can, but if we don’t have the where with all to leave it for a month, a year, a life time… we have no idea the detox that comes with it…the clarity, the lack of compensation with endless boasting, judgment and noise that comes out of our mouths or the others side of the coin, the shit you put up with that you shouldn’t.
This denial layer took a good year for the good folks at AA to break through with certain loved ones, it is the layer that kills many, also the layer that makes many sever relationships as the destruction mutilates the soul of those forced to witness the continual downward spiral of those mired in addictions.
We come by this toxicity unknowingly (we are a society born addicted and the layers are many), but self medicating with addictions only adds another layer of denial/compensation/pain many do not have the armour or patience for anymore.
Alcohol induced dementia, scoffed and laughed off by some, a nightmare for those caught in its choking grip. Nightmarish forgetfulness, surly behavior when truth is brought to the conversation, finances wrecked, just one instance experienced, then echoed as the dominoes begin to fall.
Everyone feels exempt, till societies illusions crumble and the opportunity to rebuild on a more secure foundation is accepted. Many will not step up to this gift, rather finding comfort at suckling their addictive breast, in lieu of detoxing their egos from chemical lies and finding a whole new soul strength along with a brand new reality and foundation of honesty. How social would you be without alcohol in the mix?
Many things that happen occasionally in early life will snowball in later years. Alcohol robs the bodies’ ability to uptake thiamine, as the mind forgets and fabricates stories to fill in the blanks; a condition called “wet brain” is well on its way. If it is not dealt with, consequence will be much more horrific, there comes very quickly a point of no return.
That is why there is confusion, filling in blanks with tales and the all too common “I can quit any time”, but decades later, still sucking the breast of addiction.
Others destroy the health of their digestive system. The vomiting or passing of blood, the body often sacrificing organs like the gallbladder to save the rest of the body, liver disease, still the debauchery continues. You really can’t quit anytime can you?
Addiction, denial, self-centeredness, dismissals, assumptions all behaviors woven to keep the addiction game alive. Ask for respectful boundaries and one can soon learn how much more important the bottle is, rather than honorable and humble relationship.
I am so proud of husband as we celebrate his upcoming 2 year birthday of sobriety. I know this soul journey of his was more difficult than any war fought, because it demands brutal honesty with one’s self. I wish more had his heart strength and follow through to open this precious gift.
I am so grateful to the humble angels at our local AA that were instrumental in this gift. Their knowledge of alcoholism, addiction and the gentle web of accountability they weave is a wonder to observe. Any being that owns both ends of the spectrum of power well, I call God. Easily spotted in creatures, often buried in humans, not the phony icing of “goodness” many put on, but a true Soul- potent being, not needing games or labels to prove their worth, just a whole soul reclaiming the broken bits of birthright and making peace with them – A God, no doubt!
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